I received this a while ago from a friend and it was so absurd it made me laugh so I thought I’d share it with you. It was written in response to Stephane Dion’s Green Shift proposal.
First, and this is important, this posting emits NO greenhouse gases. I have had this verified by leading climate change scientists like Dr David Jacuzzi of the National Environmental Rating Department. I make this point off the top so as to make it clear that I am not subject to any carbon fines that would be levied by Stephane Dion and his heroic band of emission catchers.
So….to be clear….this posting does not violate any laws whether they be laws made by God, by Man or by Stephane Dion. But back to Greenhouse Gases, or as those of us in the scientific community like to call them, GHGs. Now for some scientific facts.
First, these are poisonous gases that will kill you instantly if inhaled, touched, seen, heard or imagined.
Second scientists using powerful microscopes have proven that GHGs cause:
A) the weather
B) the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs while the cavemen cowered in their…umm….caves.
C) Al Gore.
Third, the only way to stop GHGs is to raise your taxes. Yes…the two SEEM unconnected, but that’s because your brain has been addled by GHGs. If you were a leading scientist like Stephane Dion you would understand the scientific formula which proves that giving him a bigger piece of your paycheque to go toward more social programs would mean a permanent end to the scourge of Greenhouse Gases.
Mr Dion’s science based approach is called the Green Bait and Shift. Here’s how it works. You pay thousands of dollars extra in taxes for indulging luxuries like heating your home, fueling up your car, BBQing hotdogs for the kids at the orphanage, or having air conditioning at the seniors centre. Mr Dion then takes the money from fat cats like you, keeps a portion for public servants to spend in a wise and efficient manner, and then gives the remainder of the money to other people who didn’t earn it.
This raises the following question: what’s so green about that? The answer of course is that nothing in this process will cause burrowing owls to be hurt. See….no animals are used for testing in this entire process. So let us now recap for those who aren’t prominent scientists.
The Green Bait and Shift tackles GHGs head on via Canada’s vaunted social safety net, our taxation system, hundreds of thousands of public servants, businesses and charities and millions of families. With everyone working together like this how can anything go wrong?
Its also important that we do this now as fuel prices hit their highest point in history and as our largest trading partner teeters on the edge of recession. But would there really be a recession if this really does patch the very hole in the ozone layer where the GHGs are leaking into our atmosphere? Imagine how our economy will boom when the glaciers return and scrape away all nuclear weapons meaning no more worries about a nuclear winter! And of course, most importantly, the world could say goodbye forever to the threat of Tsunamis.
I for one agree with Mr. Dion when he says that the only thing that can save the world is a really big Shift. I’m Shifting now as I write this, and I hope you will too.