Normally I wouldn't waste my time discussing it with you at all; however, given that what people sarcastically refer to as my “credibility” is at stake, I've taken the exceptional step of announcing my innocence and writing about it in more detail, and making those results available to you.

I have done my best to tell you this without laughing. If you're unsatisfied with any of my bulls*t, please send an email to the ombudsman's catchall address or send a letter to our post office box.